Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
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I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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