oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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