just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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