Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Come on in and take your pants off
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