She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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