i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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