Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
