1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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