I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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