even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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