Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
