just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
