Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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