Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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