Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
