my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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