Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
