While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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