I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
