I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
