I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
