So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
