I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
