I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
