my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
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