I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
