Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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