So drunk its hurt
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
