obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
