i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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