I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
