my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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