i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
