There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
