Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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