there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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