Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
