Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
