Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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