I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
