I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
