I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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