he wants to bone in the snuggie
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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