Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
