got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
