I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
