I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
