I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
