Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
