i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
