I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
