He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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