You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
