The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
