theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
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The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
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Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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