flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
