We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
