I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
