Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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