i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
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He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
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I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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