Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
