I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
